So here I am again lying on my bed and I have this urge to write. I don’t know why all of the sudden I want to write. I don’t even know what to write that’s why I titled this post as I don’t Know. Disclaimer if I were you I’d stop reading this. This blog post is just pure nonsense. Just want to release what’s in my mind. But if you still want to continue reading this then thank you for sticking by.
Have you ever gone to a place and felt that you feel so at home?That you just want to live there? A place that you know deep down in yourself that you will come back there no matter what happens? A place that you know you won’t get enough of? Well, I felt that the moment I stepped my foot in Baler last year (2017). That feeling of my heart full of awe, the moment I saw Baler as a wonderland. The first time I surf. I was never the same again.Read More »
I always wonder. How do people endured all the pain they’re going through? Specially if the pain came all at once. How do people go through it? Specially if they need to go to work everyday. How can they endure smiling and laughing on the outside but in the inside they’re hurting. How can they handle the heaviness they’re feeling? How can they handle the continous aching of their heart? How can they smile and laugh without bursting into tears in front of other people? How can they contain the need to scream out all the pain they’re feeling? How come no one can see the pain in their eyes? How come no one can notices the pain they’re feeling? But the biggest question in my mind is how do they go through the day everyday with the pain? Cause right now I really need an advise. Cause it fucking hurts. It really hurts. I just want to scream my heart out. I just want to burst out until everything is gone. But most of all I just want the pain to go away. To the point that I just want to end everything but I’m thinking about the person that I will left behind. I can’t leave her. I just can’t. So I have to hold on even though it hurts so much.
11:11 pm thoughts
You know what I want? Sitting in front of the table with foods of course and alcohol if possible. And just talking about each others life. No cellphones. Just talking.
Another blog about my thoughts? I’m sorry. It’s just that I don’t know why. But lately I’ve been having so many thoughts in my head that sometimes. No erase that. Most of the times it changes my mood in an instant.
Sometimes I think my anxiety is getting worst. Like the fact that it can make me cry in an instant. I remember this one time. While I’m in Puerto Galera with my boyfriends friends (I haven’t posted any blog about my experience there) we were in this beach. After swimming the girls decided to try the inflatabble course I think that’s what they calls it. I didn’t want to try it. So I just sat at this chair. I didn’t know that my boyfriend’s guy friend did a time lapse video and I was in that video. Sitting for I don’t know how long. In the same place with the same position. In the time lapse it looks like I haven’t moved an inch. To be honest. I usually do that when I’m sitting in a chair. Just stares at nothing for how long. It gives me peace most of the times but sometimes it gives me thoughts that can ruin my mood. I don’t know. Staring at nothing for how long calms me. I can just do that 24/7. I know. I’m weird. But sometimes I don’t want to just sit there and stares at nothing because it gives me thoughts. Thoughts that hurts me emotionally. But I can’t fucking help it. Once I stopped doing something I instantly stares at nothing. That’s why I’m always holding my phone. Because I don’t want to be weird around people. I don’t want them thinking “what’s wrong with this girl? She’s been staring at nothing for so long.” It’s weird for other people seeing me in that state. I know. Because they already told me that.
How? How to stop myself from doing that? I want to stop myself from doing that. Why? Because I feel like when I started staring at nothing I just want to do it all day. It feels like something is pulling me to do that. Like my thoughts is separating me from reality. It’s like I don’t want to go back to reality and just remain in my thoughts. Weird. What’s weirder? Is that tears are rolling down my cheeks while I’m typing this right now. I really need to sleep. Just another random thought guys.